I’m eating vegan Detroit-style pizza with crispy shallots and crunchy garlic— whatever that means— that I GrubHubbed with the last $25 in my Venmo account because I got crappy news I’d been anxiously waiting for over the past week. I’d literally resorted to praying about it. Some pit-of-the-stomach knowing had crept up in me sometime last week, and I’d get flashes of the “Thank you for your interest…” preview line in my email before I quickly replaced the thought with visualizing “Congratulations!” instead.
I don’t remember feeling almost any anxiety about the one really big opportunity I’ve gotten. It was so far out of reach that I never expected it to ever be real. And to my disbelief, somehow, I kept making it to the next stage of the application process until it was all said and done. There was about 9 hours of waiting between the final interview and the notification of the award which I spent so anxious I couldn’t stop crying and felt like I was going to vomit until a friend came and distracted me with a field trip of activities to pass the time. But I didn’t have a nagging voice or image that suggested my failure then… so where does it come from now?
I don’t have an answer to that. Maybe intuition is real. But all I know is my astrology app gave me a notification warning me about Mercury going into retrograde today, and sure enough, things feel pretty upside down. Here’s what the first link on Google when I typed in “Mercury retrograde 2024” says:
The next three weeks till April 25th will be a backspin motion for the green planet, symbolising communication, intellect and business in our lives. During this period, space and time will be filled with waves of confusion, misunderstanding, and chaos. As a result, we will be forced to reflect, revise, look within, and analyse our decisions
Sigh.
I’m sick of confusion, misunderstanding, and chaos! Can I have a break from reflecting, revising, and having lengthy come-to-Jesus moments with myself?
Things have just been sticky for me these past few months. Just two weeks ago, I was so sure I was going to take a semester off from my PhD program, move home, and make serious efforts to transfer to a school in the South. I spent three weeks talking to all the mentors I could get ahold of and made a big stink about it, but now I have no plan except taking things day-by-day and doing my best to make the best out of what I can and stick the rest out.
There’s lots I want to do and get done— and I complain about how other things get in the way and take up too much of my time and energy— but it’s like some force greater than myself has given me no other option but to spend more time in my little studio apartment. COVID over Christmas meant I missed a lot of my marathon training, which led to my foot injury. The damnation to boot-lyfe meant no running for six weeks, and now I feel like I’m starting from scratch with my fitness. And to top it all off, I’ve also had a cold mixed with seasonal allergies for the past two weeks. Truly, if it’s not one thing telling me to get my ass back in the bed, it’s definitely another!
Writing this out makes it feel a little funny, but I’m still a little pissed. My lesson of the past few years has been learning to balance work and rest (as an umbrella that includes play), but this year seems to be some kind of intentional clearing of my schedule by the universe. To do what? Maybe nothing. I definitely need to stare at my walls more often and detox from dopamine. But maybe the lesson here is that I’m not supposed to be speed running this chapter in my life. Maybe I’m supposed to feel every painstaking and agonizing moment go by— for better or for worse.
So, what now?
*shoulder shrug*
I’ve got a one-way ticket home in May and wide-open summer. Technically, that’s all I’ve wanted for the past YEAR and a HALF, so I guess, in a way, it's actually the answer to my prayers after all. Though, the answer sucks to be received alongside what feels like bad news and a lot of uncertainty and flip-flopping in decision-making.
I made the mistake of looking back at the GOALS GOALS GOALS I’d set for myself at the beginning of the year and accidentally depressed myself even more. But the optimistic way to look at all of this is to remember that it is only week 14 of 52, I see the sun for 12+ hours a day, and I don’t have to measure my progress by actions of doing.
I don’t have answers about how better to measure progress if not by actions/doing, but I’ll toss it to y’all to share your wisdom on this. And speaking of optimism, let’s close there:
Even though things might be rough, many of us can rest peacefully knowing, AT LEAST our homework doesn’t look like this:
It could be worse, folks. Much, much worse.
I hope you get good news soon, and if you don’t, I hope you know that Detroit-style pizza can fix 90% of the bad feelings you’re feeling, and the other 10% will go away with time. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. I’m also blaming it on Mercury.
Love you, dear one. You aren’t alone in your reflecting and revising season; in some ways, it’s a beautiful thing that we get to grow and adapt and change at all. Thank you for sharing. 😘