SCRATCH EVERYTHING I JUST SAID

survival is insufficient

The world has a funny way of forcing you to give yourself a long hard look in the mirror, especially right as you think you’ve got it all figured out.

Twenty days ago I’d made peace with choosing to stay at my PhD program. I can’t help but feel like I’m making wedding vows to a masochistic degree-earning process and academic culture that just won’t ever love me back. But I can change it!

Lorgia García Peña came to speak on campus last year and I flew through her book Community as Rebellion. So much of her story is what I’ve seen and heard from women of color ahead of me on this career path and what’s become and becoming of my path too. Somehow it’s always validating and infuriating to hear more about the mistreatment of other women of color in academia. But even more infuriating (and somehow still validating?) when people respond, it’s like this everywhere.

Women of color choosing to go into academia must brace themselves because we already know what we’re getting into. I’ve already been through the wringer with institutions not loving me back as a young outspoken Black woman with serious justice sensitivity. So when people who are supposed to be mentoring you are less than supportive, or worse, turn out to be bullies, it’s not surprising, but it isn’t easy.

The day after I’d written my latest blog, I had a meeting that confirmed, so intensely, all of the eggshells I’d been walking on for weeks with someone with more power than me who was supposed to be mentoring me. I’d been way too generous in accepting what I’d been experiencing as just a difficult working relationship with someone who clearly worked pretty differently than me. But there’s a difference between tough but constructive mentorship and workplace bullying.

I don’t know what will happen with that situation for me. In the power-structure of academia, as a grad student, basically the only power I have is my voice (and my labor). It’s not a secret what I’m going through, and thank god I’ve talked with my peers because I found out I’m not even close to the only student this has happened to. And (not) shockingly, we seem to share a few overt identities.

I’ve been removed from working with this person and that’s what I asked for from my department. It’s difficult because it means I may not get credit for my experience though I labored for more than half a semester. I’ll find out soon what my department has decided to do about it. There’s more to be done than removing me from my experience and giving me credit for the work that I’ve done thus far, though. Hopefully my department agrees. I don’t want to find out that someone else is going through this in a year from now. I have hope that there’s a solution to stop a systemic issue, but I’m not naive and I know what kind of culture we’re working in.

In the meantime, I don’t need to wait and see if what’s ahead is ice or an iceberg. I can attempt to open potential doors for myself, even if, ultimately, things work out in my favor where I currently am. It would be great to stay. But I don’t have to. It is not the end of the world to chart backwards to go forward on a clearer path.

Ok, enough expedition metaphor.

I still feel a prickling of grief. No matter what I choose in the end, I’ll gain and lose different things. And I can’t know all of the stakes until I’m looking back from whatever path I’ve chosen. Oh, well. If living through the pandemic taught us anything, it should have been to get comfortable with discomfort and uncertainty. But that lesson is harder learned than force-fed.

In García Peña’s reflection on her own harm within the institution, she’s still hopeful that there are ways to reimagine the university and redress and repair. A lot of it comes down to acknowledgment of harm done and building community. I felt dissatisfied by this conclusion, but I think she’s right.

I just finished Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel (who I got to see give a Q&A in Lexington while visiting my sister a few weeks ago!) and first of all, it was great, you all should read it. I listened to it on Audible and devoured all ten hours of it. I think it’s also already a show or becoming one. But, second, and most importantly, I keep thinking about the line everyone always quotes from the book, and that St. John Mandel says is actually from StarTrek. It doesn’t matter if it’s years after the world as we know it has collapsed due to an unprecedented pandemic or if it’s completing a can-be-parasitic degree in hopes of a lottery-win on the tenure-track job market— survival is insufficient.

It has been fun allowing myself to dream again though— of my life changing, of second chances, of doing things differently… I can appreciate so many positive things in my life where I am now, but it’s also fun to remember that things can and do change. And change can be disorienting, overwhelming, and frustrating, but it can also be life giving and encouraging.

I don’t have to just survive. We’ll see what happens.

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In other news not related to school (well, kind of): This week I’m in New Orleans for the National Trust’s Past Forward conference. I’m attending as a Diversity Scholar and learning more about historic preservation. I’ve been meeting tons of people, running around the French Quarter, and taking in a lot that I know I’ll carry with me for a while. We’ve still got a day and a half, so the fun is not over yet!

Many of us struggled to find affordable accommodation for the conference because Taylor Swift performed on the first night and rates were insane. I was annoyed by this and the airport was PACKED, but I ended up getting to see Maddie B., Abigail, Hali, and her sister in a whirlwind before the concert and conference. Shoutout to Abi’s dad for getting us all NOLA must-eats!!

This past weekend I ran my first 10k since I tore my ligament in February and this weekend I get to run the Skippo 10k trail race with my friends Katy and Kenneth. On January 1st, I’ll be running a half marathon in Chattanooga with Bex and Linda, who I ran the Belfast marathon with in 2023. I’m feeling good about building up to that point and am just happy to be getting back to my favorite sport.

Oh, and the weather is DIVINE!!! :)