A friend from college sent me this video the other day and said it reminded her of a question I used to ask people compulsively. I’d almost forgotten about it and that it used to be my favorite way to open up a conversation with someone new. Partially because it always seemed to stump them, but also because when people took a moment to think about it, they would usually respond with something thoughtful and tender. And somehow, this one question would eventually lead to some of my deepest friendships in college and beyond.
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“What is it like being you?”
It’s almost a dumbfoundingly simple question, but how would you answer this if a stranger girl just introduced herself and is now asking you what’s it like being yourself? Admittedly, when my friends would flip the question back to me, I’d also struggle to answer it.
The TikTok my friend sent me asks a similar question, “What are the immutable parts of yourself?” I don’t have an answer just yet. (We’ll circle back to notes on this video in a bit.)
My question came from a project I’d worked on as a senior in high school in my creative writing studio. We’d been tasked with writing an essay with a prompt about questions, and I think I didn’t feel like writing a traditional essay, so instead I created a little book of 100 questions using a mini composition booklet, and spent the time I should’ve been writing going around my arts high school asking people to “pick a number” and answer whatever question they got.
This was before We’re Not Really Strangers, and other conversation card games took off in the gen-z/millenial zeitgeist.1
I was delighted by the way people took my questions, silly and intrusive, and seriously answered thoughtfully. Even people who were basically strangers would answer honestly and vulnerably.
I would carry this book around in my backpack for the majority of my freshman year of college. Some of my closest friends would be made, some of the deadliest silences at awkward dinners would be broken, and even my college boyfriend would be rizzed by asking questions from this ridiculous little book.
In the spirit of younger me, I asked a handful of my friends to answer questions from the book and to respond to the question they chose in a voice memo. I’ve always used the book IRL (in real life), so over voice memo text was an experiment, but it surprised me how it worked the same, and how quickly my friends responded to, “Do you wanna be apart of my blog?”
Louise answering #10, “If you could read anyone’s diary, whose would you read? Why?”:
Holly answering #11, “If you could win any big award, what would you like to win?”:
Claire answering #22, “What excites you?”:
Karen, answering #23, “Do you like when people look at you? How?”:
Louise, answering #86, “What expectations do you have of others?”:
Katie, answering #86:
Morgan, answering #87, “What’s something out of character you’ve done?”:
People are always a little thrown by not knowing what question they’re going to get before agreeing to answer honestly to one. That’s a lot of the fun.
My favorite part is seeing the surprise on people’s faces when they get a question that makes them think. People tend to feel like they need to have an immediate answer— and a lot of times people do, and the immediate answer is the most honest and vulnerable.
But I like when people take the time to think for a moment before answering. I like getting to follow up and ask more questions after the first one, because inevitably, one question will lead to another. That’s how you get to know people: building a relationship off of curiosity, vulnerability, and trust.
Grandmommy and Poopa answering #90 (and #10), “What’s something you’re working on within yourself?”:
Kenneth, answering #91, “Are you who you want to be? Why or why not?”:
My only complaint with the voice memo format as opposed to my classic IRL slight-harassment-style questioning is that, like the nature of text messages, which are meant to arrive quickly but be responded to whenever is convenient, we lose a bit of the on-the-spotness.
At first I thought the question in the video my friend sent me is a lot harder than the questions in my question book. But I think I think the question is worded oddly. The question the video asks is, “What are the immutable parts of yourself?” The creator goes on to explain that by this question he means, “What are the parts of myself that are so true and undeniable that I can never turn them off"?” He says that people usually list things they are still working on within themselves or feel like they need to change when asked this question, but he’s interested in what we celebrate and love about ourselves. He continues explaining by rewording his question: What are the parts of your identity that are so connected and immovable that it could keep you steady in a (spiritual) storm? Basically, if you were taken out of your context, what parts of yourself would still be true?
I’m not sure there are immutable parts of our identities. I’m not sure I want there to be. I don’t want to be unchanging or immovable. I hope to center my actions around my value-system which pushes me to practice honesty, courage, and vulnerability— all of which are values I hold near to my self-identity as a product of the ways I was raised, the environments I’ve grown up in, and the people I surround myself with. But these are not immutable and I can’t say that taken out of my context that I would always honor these values, though I strive to.
All of this to say: what I like about this question— and many questions like this— is that it invites so many ways to think and respond to it. I like when people give me unexpected answers or take my questions in completely different directions. In the voice memo format, I missed the immediately dialogue that followed the question— the way that a question for someone else turns into a question for yourself and an instant connection.
All to say, you win some and you lose some things depending on the format you play, but the finish line is the same: deeper connection and trust through reflection and vulnerability. This was always my intent. :)
And because someone always asks me back: Asha answering #1:
If you’d like to play with my question book or get inspiration to make your own, I uploaded a copy of mine on Google Drive that you can scroll through here. Feel free to bust it out at the dinner table, the next house party you’re at, or walk up to your teachers, coworkers, and/or strangers and ask them, “Pick a number?”
Am I using that word right? Maybe not.